Zooming In

A life update, if you will... Discussion of disordered eating/working out, just FYI :)

EVERYTHING I TRY TO WRITE FOR THIS BLOG LATELY TASTES (to me) LIKE STALE COMMUNION WAFERS.

That is to say frail, brittle, and flavorless. I wrote that line during my dramatic theory class yesterday and have been itching to get it down ever since. If you’ve ever had the displeasing opportunity to take Catholic communion, you’ll know what I’m talking about. I guess there is a sort of satisfying melt thing that they do on your tongue, but other than that BLAH. Like a cake cone without the sweetness, and I’ve never been much for cake cones either way. So, yes, that’s how I’ve been feeling recently about my writing. I have had a lot of events and realizations that feel ripe for blog-style documentation, and yet when I sit down to try to write them, my brain fills with communion wafers and I quickly grow frustrated. I also feel like I start off every blog post promising a different one and then I don’t write the promised one and I feel inauthentic. I won’t call this writer’s block because I am exploring screenwriting right now in a class and finding it very satisfying and difficult. This difficulty is (luckily) manifesting in a way that is fun to struggle against, like getting repeatedly hit with waves on a hot day in the lake and figuring out how to bob between them without exhausting yourself.

Life right now is fairly overwhelming (an unfortunate state for spring quarter) but I feel a little choked by various heavy coats of adulthood. There are current unfolding serious health issues in my close extended family, I will be moving twice this summer (once into storage, once into new place), new place has not been found yet (it will be, all will be well, I just want to know), graduation is impending and I have absolutely no idea what I want to do, and I love my friends and I am not sure what growing up is going to look like but I am not ready for us to disperse, but I’m so excited for new adventures. I think I want to trap everyone I love inside a book where we all have magical powers and endless scope to pursue whatever interests us and we can just live in a joyous microcosm forever. I’m scared of what life outside of a school community looks like. I have been in a school community for the majority of my living memory. I’m scared of people dying and changing and moving on. With the acuity of some of this stuff being really, really sharp right now, I have been fully occupied with simply spending time with people I love, working, staying on top of and engaged with my school work (to the best of my ability), and taking excellent care of myself.

In lieu of some big, dramatic thing, I would like to share some small accomplishments and stuff I am doing to stay on track.

YOGA! Yoga has been huge for my physical and mental health lately. My gym recently restarted yoga classes and my new favorite was been Yoga Sculpt with Lizzie. If you live in Chicago, do yourself a favor and sign up for one of her sculpt classes. It’s half yoga half HIIT class and I am so happy to report it has been making me stronger. I am now so much more capable of a high plank to a low plank (part of a vinyasa that has historically felt pretty un-doable for me) and I must say this feels awesome.

I think my whole attitude towards working out has changed for the better recently too. I make sure to set the intention of acceptance every time I go to the gym. I don’t feel as much like I am working out in a frantic, self-improvement headspace anymore. I work out to feel good, sweat, and regulate my mental health. I used to work out because I felt like I had to achieve some arbitrary standard with my body or so I could permit myself to enjoy food. This meant that I would get easily frustrated and even dismayed if I couldn’t immediately achieve something. Exertion didn’t feel fun and exciting as it does now, it felt exhausting and demoralizing. I was sure that if my body wasn’t immediately capable of the movement I had decided I needed to do (usually without proper nutrition and hydration) that meant that my body was bad. I am so happy to say I have moved on from that almost entirely. I am becoming so much more intuitive and less pressurized and because of this shift my workouts have gotten more intense and difficult. I don’t feel terrible if I can’t do something right away, instead I feel excited to keep going to my workout classes and building myself up and trying new things! I also feel increasingly comfortable easing off of things, listening to my body, and giving myself intentional breaks. I still sometimes struggle with this but being graceful and kind to my body and brain is my biggest focus right now.

Workout classes are where I shine. That collective breath that begins and seals a yoga practice is enough to make me cry (from joy) and carry me through the rest of my day. I have also been loving a 12/3/30 especially when doing it with a friend, it’s a great opportunity to get a good work out in and catch up! But yes, in conclusion, taking care of my physical health has been helping a lot in the sea of uncertainty.

Additionally, I have adopted a healthy frustration with overanalyzing my physical appearance. I am young. I am beautiful. I am going to be so mad if I look back at this time when I am sixty and discover that I spent the whole time comparing myself to other people and worrying about the appearance of the body that lets me hug my friends and jump in the lake and run around and climb trees and kiss my boyfriend and my boyfriend’s cats and take care of dogs and hold babies and bleed in tandem with the moon and wear cool clothes. BORING! SO BORING! I AM BORED!

I am also leaning into other forms of art (aside from writing) that are feeling really awesome. I have been loving a collage of late. It is very peaceful to cut out cool bits of old books (it pains me, but sometimes it must be done) and magazines and the like. It is a good activity if you, like me, like to do something with your hands while sitting and watching TV or having a casual chat with friends and don’t want to scroll on your phone (because oi with those devices amirite). It’s art that feels low pressure and can be used to make cool wall-hanging stuff, gifts, bookmarks, or really any variety of pleasant things.

So, yes, right now my focus is on keeping myself together and remaining in the moment. All of this uncertainty will become less acute. I am leaning heavily into Mary Oliver as I always do in times of trouble and am feeling myself unfurl and rest. All this to say, I am doing pretty well, given the circumstances. I make my bed, I drink water, I love my community. Life is feeling a little loud for my usual expeditious writing. But I am making peace with my latency. And I am excited for the return of flavor.